Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tom, this one's for you

Tom, this one's for you
So, I heard from the one person who actually reads this blog about my last posting. He didn't actually use words but instead made noises like "ack" and "gag". I guess he doesn't find that sort of thing interesting, you know, good friendships and serious depression. Maybe if I'd interjected my heartfelt emotions with some dirty talk he'd find it more (blowjob) interesting. Maybe if I'd used more slang, he'd find it more (doggy style) interesting. But then again, maybe not, because he's a man and men…are complete idiots. No, wait! I have proof!

My husband flops around on the couch all day every Sunday and laments the long grass on our front lawn. Does he actually get his skinny butt up and go mow it? No. He just keeps on flopping until he's worn himself out and needs to take a nap.

Men love the "Rocky" movies and yet won't watch "Brokeback Mountain". Do men not realize that there's more homoerotic imagery in "Rocky" than in the tent scene in "Brokeback"? There's the "Rocky and Apollo frolic in the surf. In silky short shorts. And knee socks" scene in "Rocky III". There's the way Rocky eyeballs Captain Ivan Drago's sculptured physique in "Rocky IV". You can practically see his shorts twitching.

A man can be made to do anything if his stomach or penis tells him to. If man could have sex with pot roast, men would have no need for women at all...except to cook the pot roast. A bachelor may say he doesn't need a woman, but bachelors are simply untrained husbands. Give a bachelor a woman with a nice rack and a tasty pot roast, and he's completely whipped. Two years after the wedding, he's sitting on a rose-chintz patterned couch, putting his glass of lemon ice water on a coaster, and watching "Seventh Heaven" re-runs on the Hallmark Channel. The penis is the reason Sir Paul McCartney's about to pay $275 million to his estranged wife. She said "No pre-nup", he said, "Ok ok, whatever you say. Can you put on that red leather harness again?"

Don't get me wrong. Men aren't completely useless - who else is gonna change the lightbulb on the front porch? But smart? Well, just ask Sir Paul how smart a man is. He'll tell you, as he weeps over his checkbook, "Not very."

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