Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Bride Came Outta the Port A John

The Bride Came Out of the Port-A-John
We spent the day with our friends at the Summer Festival yesterday. It was their little girl's 4th birthday so we took a break in the middle of the day to go to Evergreen Park (down behind Pine Street) to have her birthday party. And what we saw there confirmed my belief that South County folk are...speshul folk.
There was a wedding going on. The bride came out of the port-a-john in her white dress, sat down on the sidewalk, yanked up her dress, and slid her garter belt on. It would go no further than her knee. That garterbelt displayed amazing self-preservation skills. She yanked and she tugged and her knee was its limit, so that's where it stayed. I know this because I was standing over by the playground, staring open-mouthed at the spectacle. The bride finally stood up, tugged her dress down and smoothed out the wrinkles over her 8 month pregnant belly. Ahh...to wear white on your wedding day. Wonderful tradition.
The guests were arriving and setting up the chairs. The chairs each guest brought with them. The CAMPING chairs each guest brought with them. Nice.
By this time, I had waved Steven and Tesa over to share the moment with me. We watched in shock and awe as the guests took their (literally, THEIR OWN) seats and the groom backed a 1991 Plymouth Acclaim (I knew what year make and model it was because it still had the dealer stuff painted on the windshield. don't ask me.) up over the curb and onto the grass. What the...? We watched as he parked it not two feet from the guests, got out, opened the trunk, and all the doors...and inserted a tape into the tapedeck. Voila! Wedding music! It was all too too and very very.
That's when I called my sisters to share the moment with THEM. It was like a trainwreck waiting to happen. I couldn't turn away. The (presumed) father of the blushing bride walked her down the aisle, the groom took her hand, the "dude wearing shorts and t-shirt who performing the ceremony" read some stuff from a typed piece of paper, the birds fell dead from the trees and the institution of marriage took a serious blow. The ceremony took all of 1 minute, the bride and groom walked back down the aisle and the groom hurried over to the Acclaim to turn off the wedding march and turn on the "get down & boogie music".
That's when the cops showed up.

No comments: