Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bad boobies!

Bad Boobies!
While flipping through the channels on late night TV the other night, I saw something that made me stop and stare.

Everybody knows that Cinemax late night features soft core porn. It's what made me sneak down to the living room as a kid to try and catch a glimpse of something naughty. It's the reason my husband stays up past 9:00 p.m. But since the rise of plastic surgery, it's gotten ugly.

What I saw on the TV last night was a woman. She was naked and her abnormally large breasts perched high on her narrow chest. The nipples were lopsided, one pointed down in silent dismay, the other one gazed off to the right in wall-eyed shame.

The skin that held the womans breasts to her torso was taut and, when she moved, it wrinkled unattractively, making the boob look like an orange swinging at the bottom of a sock. Made me want to never eat an orange or wear a sock ever again.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind boob jobs if they're good. The thing that amazes me is that women pay thousands of dollars for this procedure. Personally, I wouldn't pay $3000 for a wrecked car, yet women pay that kind of money to have someone totally destroy their breasts. After surgery, after recovery, after the swelling has gone down and the boobs look the way they're gonna look from then on, you can't tell me these woman stand in front of a mirror, admiring their lopsided nipples and stretched out skin, (skin so tight that a drill sergeant could bounce a quarter off it!), and think, "Hmm. THOSE are nice boobs! I think I'll take my clothes off on Cinemax!" But, obviously, some of those women do think it, because I see them on there all the time.

The thing about a boob job is that when it's a good one, it's impossible to tell it's a boob job at all. And the bad ones just leave me wondering what will happen when that bra unsnaps like a slingshot, unable to take the torque for one more second. Those lopsided nipples could take someone's eye out and that, boys and girls, is a tragedy you just don't want to have to explain to your mother.

The question is why? Why would anyone do that to their boobs? Sure real boobs droop, sure they sag, but they're soft and fun to play with, comforting and pillowy. Who wants to lay their head on their partner's chest, only to find their head is resting on two rock-hard, sand-filled beach balls? Not comfortable, nosiree.

My brother swears fake boobs are just boobs the way they were meant to look. Wrong. If fake boobs were the way boobs were meant to look, we'd all have wall-eyed nipples and dangerous torque in our bras. For my husband's safety, I'll pass. I like his eyes just the way they are.

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