Friday, February 8, 2008

Horny Infected Fat Stupid Constipated Old Farts

So. Staying home has given me the enviable opportunity to get real up close and personal with daytime television. While the programming is predictable and boring, the commercials make me take two.

The commercials repeat. Over and over and over, the same half dozen commercials play throughout the day. Sometimes I mute the TV just because I can't stand listening one more time to Billy Mayes shrieking about his product's absorbency.

The same commercials, day after day, program after program.

JG Wentworth: It's my money and I want it now! This commercial features very angry idiots screaming out the windows of their houses, apparently ticked off because they're burdened with a structured settlement that pays them over time, instead of all at once. Yeah. Most of us call that a JOB. JG Wentworth promises to "appraise" and "evaluate" their structured settlement and make them a "fair" offer. Which means "bend you over and eff you dry". Two years' payments up front in trade for the ten years' payments. The type of person who would make that trade can also be found planted in front of their tv on the day the Academy Award nominations are announced only to be SHOCKED and DISMAYED that Paris Hilton didn't get a nod for "The Hottie or the Nottie".

Bowflex: Get a strong, sexy core. Full of homo-erotic imagery starring waxed and shimmering male fitness models with airbrused stomachs and spray-on tans. These guys want us to believe that twenty minutes a day, three times a week will make you look like a bartender at Studio 54 circa 1974! And that's their selling point?! The Bowflex is easy to set up, easy to use, and stores easily in your home...except if you still live with your parents and your three cats and can't leave the house without your binky...which is really the only reason you're sitting at home watching daytime television, right? You can't afford a Bowflex. You need a structured settlement. Call JG Wentworth.

Various male enhancement products. Listen. They DON'T WORK. If they worked, EVERYBODY would use them. The FDA would actually APPROVE them! Taking that pill won't make you a) in the least bit more attractive, b) grow your hair back, c) score some twenty year old television commercial model, or d) bigger in "that special part of the male body". The side effects include, but aren't limited to, blindness, arterial hemhorrage, shingles, rectal leakage, and gingivitis. Notice one of the side effects is NOT a larger penis. Idiots.

Activia: everybody poops! Except these ladies on this commercial. Apparently, these ladies haven't pooped in decades. Little did they know all they needed was a two week run of Activia yogurt to get "back on track". I love the little computer animated arrow on that constipated lady's stomach pointing DOWN. Because if it was pointing UP, the poop'd be coming out her nose and that's just not appropriate for daytime television, is it? So, at the beginning of the commercial, one constipated lady tells her friend, who is literally full of s***, "you should try the Activia Challenge!" Full of s*** friend runs out and buys some of the overpriced raspberry flavored crap (no pun intended) and two weeks later, blows out the plumbing in a six block radius. Mmm-mmm. The Activia Challenge!

Valtrex: Because I'm infected, and he's not. Bullspit. BULLSPIT. That dude GAVE you those oozy warts. Don't let him tell you any different. Because men are liars. Infected liars. Infected, un-medicated liars. Ahem. And doesn't it say right on the commercial "60% of those infected are not aware that they are having an outbreak". Well. That's a hell of alot of covert genital warts wandering around just waiting to pounce. Man. I miss the good old days of simple chlamydia. Crabs. Generic VD, for cripe's sake! Ahh, syphillis.

The Scooter Store: Ok. Following a Bowflex commercial with a Scooter Store commercial has got to be somebody's idea of a sick, cruel (but still hilarious) joke. Take a look, folks, at the able-bodied Studio 54 bartender, doing leg lifts and bend-overs and running with his "trainer" on the beach, then hurry and make a quick 12 point turn in your Scooter chair to try to make it to the bathroom before your Activia kicks in. Now that's what I call a challenge.

Daytime tv sucks.