Google it and you'll find exactly 262,000 pages dedicated to the vast levels of suck that are Billy Mays. Billy Mays is the universe's answer to all that is good. Springtime, flowers, newborn babies, the clear night sky. Billy Mays was sent here by some unnamed evil to balance out all the beauty & wonder in the world with sheer, complete, total & utter, face-melting SUCK.
So imagine my gagging surprise when I saw an advertisement for his new reality show, Pitchmen. I felt the planet shift on its axis and worlds upon worlds in other dimensions die a horrible, screaming death. A black hole opened up at the center of my soul & in fell all my hopes and faith for the redemption of mankind.
Forget December 12, 2012. Forget a great battle on the plains at the Mount of Megido. This. Is. The. End.
(deep breath) Myrtle Creek, OR Woodburn, OR Hubbard, OR Baker, OR Myrtle Creek, OR Seneca, OR Prairie City, OR Eagle Point, OR Trail, OR Los Angeles, CA Myrtle Creek, OR Trail, OR Rio Linda, CA Canyonville, OR Trail, OR Medford, OR Shady Cove, OR Myrtle Creek, OR Sutherlin, OR
Flipping through channels last night, I came across a movie that was seven layers of awesome.
The mood was supposed to be creepy & gothic but it came off as bargain basement, filmed with the benefit of a single 25 watt lightbulb that had to be unscrewed & moved to the next scene between takes. There were echoes when the characters walked & loud white noise made it hard to hear the dialogue...which was tragic, because I'm sure the dialogue was every bit as awesome as the "brick" wall that swayed when the heroine leaned against it.
Bestill my heart, it was absolutely riveting.
Determined to learn more about this cinematic masterpiece, I hit info and this is what it said, "A couple enter the asylum of a mad vampire doctor and his one-eyed assistant with bangs, Carl."
Yes. You read that right. His one eyed assistant with bangs, Carl. Were they SCARY bangs? Or were they particularly ugly? Did they have a bad attitude, these bangs? I absolutely had to know more.
I watched several eternal minutes of the movie before I was rewarded with a glimpse of this be-banged devil. Carl was most certainly deformed, which an unsightly hump and one bulging eye, and a club foot that surely kept him from doing the foxtrot. And I'm almost certain that his burlap-sack smock was not from Abercrombie & Fitch.
He didn't speak and spent his time simply lurking, bumping his hump into swaying walls and dragging his foot, though it must have been a difficult task because he seemed to have trouble remembering which foot he was supposed to drag. His right foot/left foot/red foot/club-foot varied from scene to scene. Very scary stuff, that.
Of course, despite his spectacular acting chops, I would never have given him much notice...had it not been for the bangs. They really were bad enough to deserve 3 words in a 20 word plot synopsis. Horrible. Prince Valiant meets Donald Trump, if you can imagine. They lay limply, but somehow heavily, on his forehead. No wind, nor rain, nor club-footed lurching could disturb them, so firmly were they set above his single long eyebrow. Mesmerizing.
This movie was called "Blood of the Vampire", filmed in 1958, starred people I'd never heard of, with a budget of approximately $27.67 & shot in glorious 50s Technicolor. However, lack of budget, talent & skill could simply never take away the scene-stealing presence that were Carl's bangs.
After watching it, I couldn't sleep. Damn you, Carl's bangs.