Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Steve Perry is a Dirty Dirty Whore!

Hey! Who said teenagers could steal my memories?! Since when is Journey a cool band? Since 1986, that's when! So why is my 15 year old niece singing "Don't Stop Believin'"? For the love of hairy balls, why IS that?!

I asked her. She says that song's on some show called "Laguna Beach". I looked it up. It's reality TV. So that makes it TWICE as not ok.

Journey. Ahh, Steve Perry. "Oh Sherry". It takes me back…to makin' out until my spit was gone and my lips were chapped…to sneaking out the back door and running down a dark, midnight street to meet the 8th grade boys who somehow got their hands on some beer…to spending whole afternoons in front of the mirror wondering when my boobs would get bigger (the answer, as it turns out, was: after kids. After breast-feeding, those boobs got bigger. Then they got longer.)

And Steve Perry. What a fox. But was it my imagination or did he have a potato shoved down the front of his Levis? Or else his penis was rolled up like a tube sock. Either way, a man with a camel toe – mmm, what a turn-on, right?

Anyway, back to the point. My niece. She's singing this song and I feel…betrayed. Did Journey sell out the soundtrack of my formative years to a reality TV show to make a few bucks? How dare they?! This is an unacceptable betrayal. At this point, I think my niece may be making out with boys…and listening to the same songs to which I made out with her uncle. That's just sick and wrong.

I am not happy about this. I want to find Steve Perry and cram that potato right up his cramhole. Most of all, I want my niece to go back to listening to songs I can't stand by bands I've never heard of and leave my memories alone.

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