Monday, April 5, 2010

Human? I think not.

Saw a picture of this guy

in an article about billionaires. His name is Carlos Slim. It’s an ironic name, like calling me Slender Willow or Vanilla Petite, but he can get away with it because, well, he’s got more money than God.

Considering the rest of the billionaires on the same list have lame names like Jim Walton and Lawrence Ellison, old Slim’s not only the richest, but the one with the coolest name. That means he gets to date the head cheerleader.

I read the list and then got to wondering what billionaires do when not taking over the world one sweatshop at a time. Origami with $1000 bills? Yoga on mink yoga mats? Since they crap dollar bills, what do they wipe with? Oh, I know. Disposable baby harp seals… ‘cause you know there ain’t no cleaning that off with Dawn dish soap, baby.

I guess some billionaires might spend their time donating money to worthy causes and setting up foundations to benefit all mankind *cough tax write-off cough*, which is admirable. And other billionaires inexplicably spend their money on $2000 suits yet still get really bad haircuts and wear 1980s serial killer glasses:

All this thinking got me…uh…thinking: how do you become a billionaire? On this year’s World’s Richest list, Forbes tries to church it up. It says Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal made his fortune as an “investor”. An investor?! You don’t invest $100 per paycheck and end up with $19 billion dollars. That guy didn’t “make” his fortune, he inherited it.

Prince Alwaleed could take a play outta the next guy’s book: David Thomson, worth $19 billion and the most honest man alive. In italics, next to his name, it just says “inheritance”. He didn’t work a single day of his life and he is SO PROUD OF IT.

Billionaires are funny. Why not just straight up say “I sold 357 metric tons of asbestos and lead-based toys to foolish Americans” or “I exploited my country’s most recent financial crisis by buying low and selling high”? Instead, they think they need to make it pretty on paper, when in reality, nobody really believes Li Ka-Shing made $21 billion by being “diversified”. What does that even MEAN? My guess? Drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

Furthermore, I wonder: do billionaires look down on millionaires? Are billionaires like the populars in high school and millionaires like the audio-video club? Would Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal be caught dead at prom with Donald Trump? The world may never know.

I’ve come to the conclusion that billionaires might as well be a different species than the rest of us. Except Carlos Slim. Guy with a name like that would be totally cool downing some ice cold Dos Equis on my patio, I just know it. *Slim, call me.*


Ann @ makethebestofthings said...

You made me laugh. Several times. Very valid points and now I can't get Mr. Slim's gelatinous jowls out of my head. But you write funny and I'll be back!

lucifer said...

I happened to meet Carlos Slim about four years ago. Completely humble and down to earth. He lives in the same house that he lived 30 years ago which is a "normal" home. A gentleman in every sense of the word. I wish every pompous ass millionaire that I meet would see what I saw.