Headlines That You Never Wanna See. Ever.

Today, all the gossip sites are loudly headlining "Kate Gosselin In A Bikini". I gotta say, that rates right up there with things that are just...no. Like saying, "Waiter, I'd like my chicken rare, please", and "Honey, let me help you wax your crack", and "I think I'll invest my life savings in American auto makers today."

Without a single exception, these are all very bad ideas. I am 100% sure of it and that means banning them is thisclose to becoming federal law.

so wrong.

On CNN today..the headline said "Guantanemo has a taint".

Who cares about the context. That's the funniest headline I've ever seen.

John & Kate Plus 8 Sex Tape?!

Ok. Kate has had 8 babies, several of them ALL AT ONCE. I'm just gonna say this one time and then I'll leave it be.

Who wants to see John throwin' his hot dog down her hallway?

That is all.

Being 35 means...

...I am no longer in the MTV demographic, but in the FiberOne demographic.

...in Poland, I'd be considered middle-aged.

...I am no longer within the acceptable age-bracket to be considered for an Elite Escort level job at any of Amsterdam's finer gentlemen's clubs.

...Kids who were born the year I graduated from high school are getting ready for prom.

...I can no longer blame my fat ass on "baby" fat.

...my metabolism is now officially at a dead-stop.

...according to American Funds, now's the time when I absolutely MUST begin to REALLY look at my retirement plan.

...I'm older than Samuel Adams beer, the Old Navy brand, and I could technically be the mother of every single member of the 2008 US Olympic Womens Gymnastics team.

Jesus took my wheel

I went to get in my car this morning at 6:30 a.m., barely awake, and with my shirt on backwards (I'd discover THAT tidbit a little later in the day), and what did I discover taped to my steering wheel?

Thank you, Becca.

Studly Pants McStudmuffin

I got a call from the boy's teacher today telling me that Matthew's "very popular with the girls" and asking that we speak to him about keeping his "flirtations" away from school as it disrupts the girls' behavior. LOL! I love it.

"Matthew, reel in your charm a little. It's detrimental to the scholastic achievement of the girls in your class."

His teacher says, "The girls like Matthew...a lot."

I say, "Hands off, girls, or you'll pull back a bloody stump."

The end.

Adventures at the doctor's office!

A few comments to the people we encountered at the doctor's office yesterday:

The lady in the waiting room changing your baby's crappy diaper on the couch? NOT okay. Seriously.

The man with the surgical mask on: it doesn't work if you put it up on your head like cool sunglasses whenever you cough.

The big lady with the low-rider pants: I'm a fellow patient, not a proctologist, so what makes you think I wanna see your 24" butt crack?

The kid with two runners of snot from his nostrils to his mouth: it's snot, not a snack. Go get a kleenex. Please.

Various hospital staff: Pink Disney scrubs are NOT ok unless you're in the pediatric ward. Otherwise, you just look like a great big wad of Hubba Bubba.

CT Scan guys: You remind me of the entomologists on "Silence of the Lambs". You need to get out more, move out of your mom's house and possibly date an actual girl.

Every person who hit the handicapped access door button at the doctor's office, but is not actually handicapped: Exactly how lazy are you? Seriously. Pull open the door like a big boy or girl. It's fun being able!

Ohhhh gawd the humanity!!!

Aaaand they're remaking Fame.

See all the frolicking, sweating, leaping & galloping? See the polyester fibers, leg warmers and General Motors action? NONE OF IT WAS GOOD!

Dammit. The '80s were NOT cool!

Why oh why do the singers, bands, actors & actresses from my childhood want to whore out my memories? It started with "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey, featured on Laguna Beach (WTF is Laguna Beach?! A "Scripted Reality" show? When I was a kid, we called that just plain old TV.) When I heard my 16 year old niece singing it, I found out that Steve Banana Crotch Perry sold out to The Man and boy, that pissed my cranky ol' ass off.

Now I hear rumblings of movie remakes. Footloose, Predator, Karate Kid, The Neverending Story, Ghostbusters. The list goes on and on, and the longer it goes, the worse it gets.

There seems to be a misconception in Hollywood that the 80s were good. The 80s were NOT good. The 80s were a fashion, music, and pop culture black hole. As a decade, the 80s are totally disposable. Literally nothing happened until 1989 when the Berlin Wall fell. Up until then, the decade had only been a long series of terrible, no good, very bad, teased & stonewashed years which just BEG to be forgotten. Music. Movies. TV shows. Clothes. All of it. Painfully tacky, horribly mediocre, terribly over-saturated. Mall bangs, for God's sake? Do we REALLY want to relive that action?

I was a teenager in the 80s. I remember how much it sucked. I remember wearing shirts that changed colors when your body temperature rose...which says alot about the time period. It was a time when we wore clothes to ACCENTUATE OUR SWEAT.

How low did our standards have to be back then that Suzie Q's "Two of Hearts" was a huge hit? Suzie Q looked like Olive Oyl on crank and she sounded like somebody taking a helium enema. I saw her on a recent One Hit Wonders marathon on VH1. She has NOT improved with age.

It just makes me wonder that kids today look back on the 80s as some kind of golden age. My teenage nieces LOVE the John Hughes movies. I think they think we all lived in huge brick houses with white columns, and had quirky best friends with cute little nicknames like Ducky, and changing the color of our eye shadow was all the makeover it took to land our dream guy. I think they think we all knew how to apply lipstick with our cleavage and detention was one long party with a few joints, some groping, and also dancing. Mostly dancing.

I wouldn't go back to the 80s for anything in the world. The entire decade was like biting tin foil. It was bright and tacky and sticky and sharp and loud. It smelled like hot duct tape & Aqua Net.

I am a product of the 80s. Need I say more?

We are so screwed

So. You’re driving down the road in your high-rent neighborhood. Kids won’t stop arguing. After many repeated warnings, kids STILL won’t stop arguing. Pull car over, kick kids out, tell ‘em to start walking and drive the 3 miles home in blissful silence.

Then.

Get arrested, charged with child endangerment & neglect, have your kids taken into protective custody & your mugshot splashed all over the interwebs.

P.S. the kids were 10 & 12.

Ok. When I was a kid, our options when we were told to stop arguing were a) shut the hell up or b) receive a customized ass-whooping. Getting out of the car was an option, too, but the car wasn’t going to slow down to LET us out.

When I was 12, one of my chores was to check for rattlesnake tracks & make sure they were headed AWAY from the house and not TOWARD the house.

Walking 3 miles was called “going to the store”…with a note to pick up a pack of cigarettes for Dad.

Those poor kids, having to find their way home to their million-dollar house, with only their cell-phones and $200 down-filled parkas to keep them warm & safe. Those darn sidewalks and streetlights must’ve been terrifying for them…in broad daylight.

One time, I got stuck in the outhouse on the hill in the dark with a rattlesnake between me and the house. My decision was to sleep in the outhouse or jump over the snake.

Another time, I dropped the end of the shed (SHED: a small building used to house thing such as generators, wood, lawnmowers etc.) I was carrying on my thumb. My choice was to pull the fingernail the rest of the way off or let it fall off on its own. So I can totally understand how the poor darlings who had a choice to walk the 12 blocks home would have decided against it.

Tough choices are what life is all about, baby. Like choosing the thickness of the willow branch to take back to the house to receive your whoopin’. Ya. Choices like that.

And now those two kids have learned that Mom is bad & the state is their savior & I’ll bet they have Child Protective Services on speed dial on their precious little cell phones.

This generation is the future of our country? Crap.