Thursday, September 3, 2009

Yes. I married him.

I checked the mail yesterday and found an envelope. "Federal Trade Commission", said the upper left hand corner. "MR. STEVE MACK", said the address.

I opened it, thinking, "Oh, great. Steven's getting sued by the Federal Trade Commission for unlawful flatulence during the Super Bowl or something."

Inside, I found a check for $17.89, and a letter. This is what it said:

Dear Consumer,

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC), the nation's consumer protection agency, filed a lawsuit against Telebrands Corporation for false advertising. Telebrands falsely claimed its Ab Force belt would cause weight loss and create well-defined abdominal muscles.

The settlement requires Telebrands to give money back to people who bought the Ab Force. According to our records, you bought the Ab Force from Telebrands. The enclosed check is your share of this money. This check is being sent to you by a Settlement Administrator hired by the FTC.

Settlement Administrator

For those of you who don't remember, or who have a life and don't spend it watching the Infomercial Channel, this is the Ab Force:

*Note: the only way my husband's abdomen resembles this abdomen is that they both have a belly button. That's it.

Someone somewhere deep in the bowels of the federal government has my husband's name on a list with a notation next to it that is shameful on so many different levels: Mr. Steve Mack (bought Ab Force). God. I hope that list isn't available under the Freedom of Information Act.

What I love is that the letter makes sure to mention not once, but TWICE the fact that my husband actually bought the Ab Force, proof that the government REALLY DOES have a sense of humor.

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