out of context and in-toxicated

Conversation overhead during my sister's 38th birthday party:

if you sit with your buttcrack on the crack of the couch cushions, you'll turn inside out.

my eyelids are sweaty.

she loves to blow your big salad.

beat that meat into submission!

i'll be the little spoon if you be the fork.

can you see my weiner? of course you can't. I don't have one!

don't let the dog lick your face; she just turd burglared the litter box.

i'm so lonely. everybody's cute.

...and then he tried to stick his whole hand in there!

I'll just pretend I have a penis.

you've got ham in your crotch!

there's a dog in my bra.

I'm gonna make sweet sweet love to this cigarette.

what the hell's a Kardashian?

it doesn't tickle if you squeeze harder; it just hurts.

her hoohaw's gonna eat you!

I'm sitting on the jizz chair!

she's like a drunk 5-year-old child.

it sounded like two meat patties flappin' together.

it was a good thing I was on the toilet!

she always ends with an air hump.

throw up on the dog; she's used to it.

mayonnaise is so much better than a stapler!

i'm gonna go see if i peed my pants.