I have bleeding orifices, but, darn it, I'm happy!

So. There's a commercial on TV for an FDA approved drug called Abilify. It starts out simply enough:

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The wind-up:
Approximately 2 out of 3 people being treated for depression still have depressions symptoms.

Then the pitch:
Talk to your doctor about adding Abilify to your antidepressant, as this may help ease your symptoms.

Then (this is literally word for word what they say in the commercial, I swear to blog):

Call your doctor if after starting Abilify, you have changes in mood (ummm...isn't that the whole point?!) or thoughts of suicide.

Contact your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion on Abilify, as this might be a sign of a life-threatening reaction. Or uncontrollable muscle movements, as these can become permanent.

High blood sugar has been reported with Abilify. In some cases extreme high blood sugar may lead to coma or death.

Other risks include dizziness upon standing, seizures, impaired judgment or motor skills, and trouble swallowing.

Talk to your doctor about the benefits of adding Abilify!!
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There are so many things wrong with this that it's hard to pinpoint at which moment I decided I'd really kinda rather NOT talk to my doctor about the "benefits" of adding Abilify. So, I could be in a coma with uncontrollable muscle movements and dizziness, impaired judgment and trouble swallowing but at least I wouldn't be depressed anymore, right? Right?

Hmm. I'll have to really think about this. Weigh out the pros and cons. Or NOT. Who's working at the FDA?! I think there's a guy at a desk deep in the bowels of government cubicle hell somewhere and the only thing on his desk is a big red "approved" stamp.

He's probably the guy who approved that fat-free fat substitute that caused anal leakage a few years back. In fact, he probably got a promotion for it. Terrifying.