You wanna put your what in my where?

Oh, you know you want one.

Sabotage, thy name is Mom

I don't think it's a secret that I would prefer it if we lived in a completely segregated society where boys couldn't get anywhere near my daughter and girls couldn't get within a brick wall and barbed wire fence of my son. Unfortunately, that's called a CULT and is frowned on by most. That being said, I insist that other preventative measures must be taken. Applying butter to their faces while they sleep to clog their pores, hiding their deodorant, filling their shampoo bottles with mayonnaise...there are many ways, grasshopper. This mom knows.

Becca's youth group has the right idea: boys are red, girls are blue, and there shall be NO PURPLING. But that doesn't mean there aren't shades of violet and a wee bit of perriwinkle every now and then. Nice try, Church Lady.

Matthew's school has a rule against "flirting", and their definition of "flirting" is wonderfully hazy and abundantly unclear, thus confusing the awkward 12 and 13 year olds, and making this mom very happy. Matthew says, "Mom, I got talked to by Mr. X today because he says I was flirting with (*insert harlot's name here*) but all I was doing was asking her for a pencil." I reply, "You need to be more responsible. You're grounded."

The guy who does our yard (I can't call him our "yard boy" because that may imply that he is a hot Latin gardener in nothing but 501s and work boots...and he's not that kind of yard guy at ALL) has been bringing a helper, a strapping fellow about 18 years old. Becca and her friends press their faces against the livingroom window and watch him. I stand in the next room with a sign pressed to the window, "My scissors + your balls = don't be a hero, boy."

So far, my subterfuge has prevented Becca from making any progress whatsoever towards dating. However, my 17 year old niece already has a boyfriend. I consider that my own personal failure. I will not let it happen again.

Headlines That You Never Wanna See. Ever.

Today, all the gossip sites are loudly headlining "Kate Gosselin In A Bikini". I gotta say, that rates right up there with things that are just...no. Like saying, "Waiter, I'd like my chicken rare, please", and "Honey, let me help you wax your crack", and "I think I'll invest my life savings in American auto makers today."

Without a single exception, these are all very bad ideas. I am 100% sure of it and that means banning them is thisclose to becoming federal law.

so wrong.

On CNN today..the headline said "Guantanemo has a taint".

Who cares about the context. That's the funniest headline I've ever seen.

John & Kate Plus 8 Sex Tape?!

Ok. Kate has had 8 babies, several of them ALL AT ONCE. I'm just gonna say this one time and then I'll leave it be.

Who wants to see John throwin' his hot dog down her hallway?

That is all.

Being 35 means...

...I am no longer in the MTV demographic, but in the FiberOne demographic.

...in Poland, I'd be considered middle-aged.

...I am no longer within the acceptable age-bracket to be considered for an Elite Escort level job at any of Amsterdam's finer gentlemen's clubs.

...Kids who were born the year I graduated from high school are getting ready for prom.

...I can no longer blame my fat ass on "baby" fat.

...my metabolism is now officially at a dead-stop.

...according to American Funds, now's the time when I absolutely MUST begin to REALLY look at my retirement plan.

...I'm older than Samuel Adams beer, the Old Navy brand, and I could technically be the mother of every single member of the 2008 US Olympic Womens Gymnastics team.

Jesus took my wheel

I went to get in my car this morning at 6:30 a.m., barely awake, and with my shirt on backwards (I'd discover THAT tidbit a little later in the day), and what did I discover taped to my steering wheel?

Thank you, Becca.

Studly Pants McStudmuffin

I got a call from the boy's teacher today telling me that Matthew's "very popular with the girls" and asking that we speak to him about keeping his "flirtations" away from school as it disrupts the girls' behavior. LOL! I love it.

"Matthew, reel in your charm a little. It's detrimental to the scholastic achievement of the girls in your class."

His teacher says, "The girls like Matthew...a lot."

I say, "Hands off, girls, or you'll pull back a bloody stump."

The end.

Adventures at the doctor's office!

A few comments to the people we encountered at the doctor's office yesterday:

The lady in the waiting room changing your baby's crappy diaper on the couch? NOT okay. Seriously.

The man with the surgical mask on: it doesn't work if you put it up on your head like cool sunglasses whenever you cough.

The big lady with the low-rider pants: I'm a fellow patient, not a proctologist, so what makes you think I wanna see your 24" butt crack?

The kid with two runners of snot from his nostrils to his mouth: it's snot, not a snack. Go get a kleenex. Please.

Various hospital staff: Pink Disney scrubs are NOT ok unless you're in the pediatric ward. Otherwise, you just look like a great big wad of Hubba Bubba.

CT Scan guys: You remind me of the entomologists on "Silence of the Lambs". You need to get out more, move out of your mom's house and possibly date an actual girl.

Every person who hit the handicapped access door button at the doctor's office, but is not actually handicapped: Exactly how lazy are you? Seriously. Pull open the door like a big boy or girl. It's fun being able!

Ohhhh gawd the humanity!!!

Aaaand they're remaking Fame.

See all the frolicking, sweating, leaping & galloping? See the polyester fibers, leg warmers and General Motors action? NONE OF IT WAS GOOD!