Oh. My. God. OHMYGOD.

Google it and you'll find exactly 262,000 pages dedicated to the vast levels of suck that are Billy Mays. Billy Mays is the universe's answer to all that is good. Springtime, flowers, newborn babies, the clear night sky. Billy Mays was sent here by some unnamed evil to balance out all the beauty & wonder in the world with sheer, complete, total & utter, face-melting SUCK.

So imagine my gagging surprise when I saw an advertisement for his new reality show, Pitchmen. I felt the planet shift on its axis and worlds upon worlds in other dimensions die a horrible, screaming death. A black hole opened up at the center of my soul & in fell all my hopes and faith for the redemption of mankind.

Forget December 12, 2012. Forget a great battle on the plains at the Mount of Megido. This. Is. The. End.

Listology, page 47

Places I've Lived

(deep breath)
Myrtle Creek, OR
Woodburn, OR
Hubbard, OR
Baker, OR
Myrtle Creek, OR
Seneca, OR
Prairie City, OR
Eagle Point, OR
Trail, OR
Los Angeles, CA
Myrtle Creek, OR
Trail, OR
Rio Linda, CA
Canyonville, OR
Trail, OR
Medford, OR
Shady Cove, OR
Myrtle Creek, OR
Sutherlin, OR

Damn you, Carl's bangs.

Flipping through channels last night, I came across a movie that was seven layers of awesome.

The mood was supposed to be creepy & gothic but it came off as bargain basement, filmed with the benefit of a single 25 watt lightbulb that had to be unscrewed & moved to the next scene between takes. There were echoes when the characters walked & loud white noise made it hard to hear the dialogue...which was tragic, because I'm sure the dialogue was every bit as awesome as the "brick" wall that swayed when the heroine leaned against it.

Bestill my heart, it was absolutely riveting.

Determined to learn more about this cinematic masterpiece, I hit info and this is what it said, "A couple enter the asylum of a mad vampire doctor and his one-eyed assistant with bangs, Carl."

Yes. You read that right. His one eyed assistant with bangs, Carl. Were they SCARY bangs? Or were they particularly ugly? Did they have a bad attitude, these bangs? I absolutely had to know more.

I watched several eternal minutes of the movie before I was rewarded with a glimpse of this be-banged devil. Carl was most certainly deformed, which an unsightly hump and one bulging eye, and a club foot that surely kept him from doing the foxtrot. And I'm almost certain that his burlap-sack smock was not from Abercrombie & Fitch.

He didn't speak and spent his time simply lurking, bumping his hump into swaying walls and dragging his foot, though it must have been a difficult task because he seemed to have trouble remembering which foot he was supposed to drag. His right foot/left foot/red foot/club-foot varied from scene to scene. Very scary stuff, that.

Of course, despite his spectacular acting chops, I would never have given him much notice...had it not been for the bangs. They really were bad enough to deserve 3 words in a 20 word plot synopsis. Horrible. Prince Valiant meets Donald Trump, if you can imagine. They lay limply, but somehow heavily, on his forehead. No wind, nor rain, nor club-footed lurching could disturb them, so firmly were they set above his single long eyebrow. Mesmerizing.

This movie was called "Blood of the Vampire", filmed in 1958, starred people I'd never heard of, with a budget of approximately $27.67 & shot in glorious 50s Technicolor. However, lack of budget, talent & skill could simply never take away the scene-stealing presence that were Carl's bangs.

After watching it, I couldn't sleep. Damn you, Carl's bangs.

Bangs, man. Absolutely haunting.

Listology, page 39

List Your Character Flaws

1. Negativity
2. Hypocrisy
3. Procrastination
4. Self-Pity

boy, this book makes me feel so darn GOOD about myself!

it works 60% of the time, every time

I read somewhere once that “Wonderwall” by Oasis was the best song of all time. I don’t know what sphere this “of all time” fell into, but the only way this statement could be true is if by “of all time”, the list makers meant “the best song of all time by two brothers in a British band called Oasis with a drummer named TonyMcCarroll & who were formerly known as The Rain.” If that’s what the list maker meant, then yes, it’s possible, but not probable, that this song fits the bill.

How do you go about labeling something The Best “_________” of All Time? First, you go to that mythical place called Statistics That Nobody Will EVER Attempt To Verify, ignore all the data and then just pull a number out of your butt.

“A survey of customers who purchased The Melted Cornhole Bagel from Billy’s Bagels in the Bronx revealed that 99.9% of them would purchase it again if the only other choice was 3 day old roast beef with a greenish tint & a funky smell.” Drop that last part and you’ve got yourself a statistical winner! It’s called editing, people. Look it up. According to the National Bureau of Made-Up Statistics, 72% of Americans say they edit something 60% of the time! See? Proof.

Here’s some statistical gold: I would listen to Wonderwall by Oasis 100% of the time if I was trapped in an elevator and that song was stuck in a loop on the sound system. But, then again, I may “opt out” of the statistic, and by “opt out”, I mean I might opt to shove the nearest long, slender object into my ears one at a time until I do not hear the best song of all time any longer. And that, my friend, is a 78%certainty.

817 years old

gah. this has been one hellaciously long month. I feel approximately 817 years old. I'm so tired all the time, I can hardly think straight. And I don't think all that straight in the BEST of times, so lately, I've been super-stupid.

it's amazing what a person can get used to & accept as just part of life. exhaustion. stress. anxiety. this economic climate is affecting everyone around me, my loved ones, friends, friends of friends. it slips into every conversation. it's completely pervasive in every day life. it wears on me, like a dull, steady metronome ticking in the back of my mind all the time.

my job is at risk. my best friend's job is at risk. my family has already seen lay offs, budget cuts, extended unemployment. the news says it will only get worse. I don't even want to imagine the sacrifices & choices that we may be forced to make.

it makes me angry to feel totally helpless. all our hard work to build a good life for our family is in danger of being wiped out because of poor choices made by people we've never known and big businesses we've never heard of and individual consumers by the millions who made mistakes that we, and our children and our children's children, will be paying for for years to come.

the talking heads will go on and on about how lessons can be learned from this, but lessons were learned from the depression, too...and look how easily those lessons were forgotten.

No way, Jose'!

Love love love the Listology book KT & Deek got me for Fambruary! Among the lists I filled out: schools you attended, places you've lived, favorite books, favorite tv shows.

Among the lists I refuse to fill out: strangest places you've had sex, past lovers, things that frighten you the most (like I'm telling YOU GUYS that!), shameful things you've done.

I may fill them out someday...but I'm locking them in a safe deposit box, only to be opened once I've been 100 years of dust in the wind.

My List of Addictions:
Pepsi
House
Bleach
John Travolta

I have bleeding orifices, but, darn it, I'm happy!

So. There's a commercial on TV for an FDA approved drug called Abilify. It starts out simply enough:

************************
The wind-up:
Approximately 2 out of 3 people being treated for depression still have depressions symptoms.

Then the pitch:
Talk to your doctor about adding Abilify to your antidepressant, as this may help ease your symptoms.

Then (this is literally word for word what they say in the commercial, I swear to blog):

Call your doctor if after starting Abilify, you have changes in mood (ummm...isn't that the whole point?!) or thoughts of suicide.

Contact your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion on Abilify, as this might be a sign of a life-threatening reaction. Or uncontrollable muscle movements, as these can become permanent.

High blood sugar has been reported with Abilify. In some cases extreme high blood sugar may lead to coma or death.

Other risks include dizziness upon standing, seizures, impaired judgment or motor skills, and trouble swallowing.

Talk to your doctor about the benefits of adding Abilify!!
******************************
There are so many things wrong with this that it's hard to pinpoint at which moment I decided I'd really kinda rather NOT talk to my doctor about the "benefits" of adding Abilify. So, I could be in a coma with uncontrollable muscle movements and dizziness, impaired judgment and trouble swallowing but at least I wouldn't be depressed anymore, right? Right?

Hmm. I'll have to really think about this. Weigh out the pros and cons. Or NOT. Who's working at the FDA?! I think there's a guy at a desk deep in the bowels of government cubicle hell somewhere and the only thing on his desk is a big red "approved" stamp.

He's probably the guy who approved that fat-free fat substitute that caused anal leakage a few years back. In fact, he probably got a promotion for it. Terrifying.

Ronnie Milsap?!

Ronnie Milsap!!! That was the hot ticket in Douglas County last night, Valentine's Day. Um. I thought he was dead. But apparently he's not, or he IS & just doesn't realize it...like Keith Richards or Iggy Pop. Those guy've been dead for 20 years & they're still rockin'.

He was the headliner at the Seven Feathers Hotel & Casino. The headliner. What is this, 1985? I think he had, like, one and a half good songs when I was about 12.

Concerts at Seven Feathers are always a risky manuever. John Michael Montgomery was there about 2 years ago. I'm fairly certain he was completely wasted. He stumbled and tripped several times. He also forgot the words to a couple of his own songs. Maybe he wasn't really drunk and that's just how he is. Stupid & sloppy. Who knows.

Speaking of stupid & sloppy, I have housework to do...but all the pictures I took yesterday aren't gonna scrapbook themselves, you know!

I'm planning on blogging my book of lists. What that means to you is more information about me than you even care to know! Wheeeee! So. You all have THAT to look forward to. Mm-hm. You can all thank KT for giving it to me. :-)

Alright. Housework? Scrappin'? Decisions decisions...

Gimme liberty!

Awesome. Truly truly awesome. I was in town today and I saw two people, both dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, dancing like crazy on opposite corners of one of the busiest intersections in the whole county.

The way it works is, stores hire people to stand on a corner & hold their big, bright arrow-shaped signs, pointing the public in the right direction for the lowest of low Sofa King Low Prices. There's the guy dressed up as a gorilla in October who stands on the corner by the temporary Halloween Store, and the kid dressed as a hamburger outside the new Sonic. It's supposed to draw the attention of the public, who will then rush the establishment with fists full of disposable income with which they can't wait to part.

I've seen it lots of times, and every time, I've thought, "How. Humiliating." But today, that thought was followed up with another, and I was kind of shocked by my own callousness.

Today, upon seeing the two dancing, breathing billboards, I thought, "How brave you must be to be standing and dancing on a corner with hundreds of cars passing you by, each full of people staring, pointing, laughing at you. Judging you and pitying you and putting themselves above you."

I admit, I'm every bit as guilty as the next driver of thinking how foolish they look. But I realized something. These people should be admired and respected simply for the fact that they are out there doing what it takes to get by. Not standing on a different street corner with a cardboard sign and a hungry-looking dog on a rope leash. Not sitting at home unwilling to leave shelter to go out and brave the weather to look for a job.

Then I asked myself, would you have the gumption to do such a thing? To take a job, any job, if that was what it took to survive? Knowing that you are being mocked, yet doing it anyway? It's a hard question, and it's even harder to answer. I guess you never know what you're capable of until you are forced to know.

These smiling, dancing, breathing advertisements are people doing what they have to do. And I think that is amazing.